Monday, 19 December 2011

Weeweechu - Go figure!

One beautiful December evening, Emeka and his girlfriend, Nwakaego were sitting by the side of the river. It was a romantic full moon evening, when Emeka said,
"Hey, asa nwa, let's do Weeweechu."
Oh no, not now, let's just look at the moon and kiss!" said Nwakaego.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Emeka begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand, watch the moon and kiss you." replied Nwakaego.
Please, my nwa a na gba ticket ekiri (pretty babe that people buy ticket to look at), just once please, do Weeweechu with me."
Nwakaego looked at Emeka and said, "OK, just one time, we will do Weeweechu".
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . .
. . . .
Emeka grabbed his guitar and they both began to sing . . .
"Weeweechu a Mely Klistmas,
Weeweechu a Mely Klistmas,
Weeweechu a Mely Klistmas,
and a Happy New Year."
"WEEWEECHU" IS NOT WHAT YOU WERE THINKING WAS IT????  Tell us,truthfully, what you thought 'weeweechu' was.
LOL

Merry Christmas in advance and enjoy a Happy New Year

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Money cannot waste!




This xmas, All na d same.

U buy eggroll N150, I buy puff puff N15, boil one egg N30, all na N45... #MoneyCannotWaste.

U buy 5 alive N300, I buy orange +mango+pineapple N80 naira..my own get natural nutrient..
#MoneyCannotWaste.

... Nepa cut ur light, U pay N2000 sharp sharp, I wait, call electrician for nite for N200 fix my wire back..
#MoneyCannotWaste.

U buy milo, milk and sugar, I buy cowbell chocolate which already contains every...
#MoneyCannotWaste

U pay 5k go watch MI for show, I buy him cd N100, stay room play and sing along #MoneyCannotWaste

U dey chop pop corn of N1000 for silverbird cinema and I dey chop guguru & epa of N20 for house dey watch tv..shebi our mouth dey move, movie dey show! #MoneyCannotWaste

U buy red bull N300 to become active, I buy paraga N20, Am super active...mtcheww
#MoneyCannotWaste

U buy red wine, I buy zobo and add squadron, all ną red wine...
#MoneyCannotWaste

U fix 100k brazillian hair, I buy N3k xpression attachment, I fine pass you...n guys don't know d difference
 #MoneyCannotWaste

U go club for VI, buy hennesey of 40k, Me go one joint, buy alomo N200..all na highness
#MoneyCannotWaste

U pay N50 to watch match in a viewing centre, I stand outside to watch d match all na d same..
#MoneyCannotWaste...

You buy new xmas cloth, i wash my old one, iron am wel well with spray starch wear am on 25th with swagger - all na the same
#MoneyCannotWaste...

Mtchewww..
Abeg Abeg!!!! I no fit shout!!!!=)) 

LOL


How are you all doing. You take care of yourselves for me oooo.

Ciao!

Monday, 5 December 2011

How do you...........................?

Hello people, How was your weekend? Trust you guys had it well.
I dont know why but i am feeling like today is friday! Can you imagine? On a monday i am feeling like its a friday. Well, that goes to show that i have wound down for the year (sub-consciously). I just dey mark time dey wait for holiday to start.

I want you guys to help me out with some answers. The game can be summarized as 'How do you'?

Here goes:
  1. How do you tell that really pleasant girl that she has bad breath without hurting her feelings?
  2. How do you tell one of your male colleagues that he has body odour without hurting his feelings?
  3. How do you get back on track when a mighty belch just escapes you in the board room as you are about closing that your powerful presentation?
  4. How do you tell your boss that he has just lied without coming off as rude and risking getting fired?
  5. How do you tackle that chicken in your plate down to the bone without coming off as a hungry fellow?
  6. How do you dispel the smell of fart that jumped right out of you (silently) while you were in your colleagues air-conditioned car?
  7. How do you tell that new 'toaster' that you are sick of meeting stingy guys and that you hope he will be more generous without coming off as being materialistic? (and dont you even begin to tell me that that does not matter!)
  8. How do you tell that new boyfriend that passionate kissing does not mean he has to fill ur throat with his tongue (having you fight for breath) without making him feel inadequate?!
  9. How do you say 'You are a cunning bastard!' to that cunny bastard of a colleague who awaits every opportunity to drag you down and shine?
  10. How do you say 'Stop staring at my boobs' to that boss whose eye level never goes above your chest when he is talking to/with you?

So lets see how far you guys can help answer some questions of national importance

Friday, 2 December 2011

Christmas in the air!

Its in the air. The thrill and excitement is brewing. The air is getting drier - the xmas way. People have started asking the 'will u be travelling' questions. Companies have started putting up decorations. People have started shopping.

Xmas truely is in the air.

Do people still buy 'christmas cloths'? I remember when i was little, my mum used to get our cloths by end of August/beginning of September in order to avoid the xmas shopping rush and the accompanying price hikes in goods. She will buy the cloths (about 2 or 3 different ones - 1 for xmas day, 1 for new year's day and, and 1 for any other sunday in between) and put them in a box above her wardrobe. Every weekend from then till xmas, we will bug her to bring down the box so we can look at our cloths again and bask in the euphoria of having new stuff. Thing is, we might have other new cloths bought along the line o, but that particular set that has been termed 'xmas cloths' have a different effect on us.

We also had christmas shoes,christmas, wrist watch, christmas sunglasses (those rubber multi colored ones), christmas pants etc. Everything we wear on the 25th December morning has gast to be new!

Mehn! It used to be so much fun. We usually travelled to the east around the 23rd of December and that part, we always looked forward to. I remember the kids in the village running after our car when we turn into the road leading to our compound shouting 'Uncle Lagos anota' (Lagos uncle is back) i will grin with pride and excitement. Then when we get to the compound, mumsie will make us all greet our cousins, uncles and aunties in ibo.

The fun of Christmas. I dont think there is any other holiday in the world that has this kind of air around it and the kind of excitement and buzz that Christmas generates.

I may not have 'Christmas cloths' anymore, but i still have the same excitement i used to have when i was little.

Christmas in the air!

Wish you all a lovely weekend ahead.

Ciao




*****images source-google.com*****

Wednesday, 30 November 2011

What is on your mind?


When i was much younger, i would sit with dad and mum in the sitting room. I would watch telly while they both did one thing or the other. Sometimes, mum will just lapse into some kind of silence and dad will ask her 'what's on your mind'? She will laugh and reply 'you really want to know'? That used to make me wonder? what could possibly be on her mind other than what she was doing? (thats what i used to think back then. what a naive little child i was)

As i grew older, i began to realize the awesomeness of the human mind. The way one can be doing one thing and thinking of like, 10 other things in the space of 1minute. How the mind can start from one little thing and move to very big (and dangerous things). Let me give an instance, one could start out thinking of what to have for lunch, it moves on to what was had for lunch yesterday, then to the girl that you met at the canteen when you went for lunch yesterday, then to the lovely shoes she was wearing which u remember thinking must have been gotten in the UK, then to that cousin in the UK who would have been able to buy you stuff if not for the fact that he has been caught and jailed for drug traffiking, then to the war on drugs and drug trafikking, then to the way naigirian drug trafikkers and been treated in malaysia, then to ....................................

All these in less than 1 minute ooo! Before you probably go back to what you want to eat for lunch.

On my way to work this morning, i stopped at a traffic light. as i waited for the light, a guy walked past me. He was wearing this kind of trousers called 'fear the ground' (you know the kind abi? Those ones that are 2inchies short of where they ought to be) I almost burst out laughing in my seat. I started thinking - He is probably a muslim (cos i heard he staunch male muslims sew their trousers that way), then my thoughts strayed to people that kill in the name of islam, then to The Boko H kindred, then to Uncle Jay in Aso Rock, then to what it will be like to rule nigeria, then to which of my friends looks like a potential politician that might make it to a government house or higher, then to which contracts i would be able to execute. Thinking of contracts, i thought of the benin ore road.............................

Horns of drivers behind me shook me out of my mind marathon race!

So from an innocent guy's 'fear-the-ground' trousers, i had gone to aso rock and executed some contracts while never leaving my car.

The power of the mind.

Tell us your crazy mind marathons.

What is on your mind?

Ciao!

Monday, 28 November 2011

Really????

Hiiii! Hope you had a good weekend. The way weekends race past these days isnt really funny. You get back from work on friday and before you can say 'Robin Hood' its sunday night!!! And how i dont like sunday nights!
Anyhow sha, man must work so dat man must wack, abi?


Saw something on one of my mischevious friend's facebook wall and just couldnt stop laffing. I remember when i was in the Uni, guys actually used to pick quarrels with their babes when christmas or valentine was approaching! I remember one girl living in my off-campus compound. It was towards valentine day and she told me to watch, that her boyfriend made a habit of picking a fight with her when a celebration was on the way so as not to have to get her a gift (in her oppinion anyway). And that he always came for them to make up a few weeks after. Well, she said that that particular val's period, she wouldnt give into a fight no matter what he did. And mehn, did he try?? That period eh, na so so Stanley voice we dey hear for compound. Ini no just answer am. Every little thing, the guy will complain and yell, my babe just chill. Valentine's day, they exchanged gifts (cant remember what he bought for her though but i remember her saying it was worth the headache) the very next day, she picked a fight and broke up with him! Do me i do u abi? Very funny couple they were. Lost count of how  many times they broke up and made up.

So back to what i saw on my friend's wall.
Here goes:




For Single Guys Only
Here are few tips to have a Merry Xmas and make it to 2012 financially healthy.
1. Flee from Persons with feminine appearances, except thy Mum.
2. Thou shall not make up with Ex-Babes, avoid their calls, pleas from their Best Friends, Pastors, Imams, Parents especially their Mums.
3. Thou shall not smile to Ladies you meet in the Banks, Shopping Malls and other Public Places where money changes hands.
4. Thou shall not keep a straight face when in a public transport; Thou shall not laugh at jokes especially if told by a Feminine Personality beside you.
5. Thou shall not plead, run after or solicit to have her back if she walks away from you angrily...just believe in the saying
"Agaracha must come back".
6. For those whose girl friends are so smart not to pick up quarrels with you; hmmm...try the 'first to complain method'. Complain about every single thing you can think of, Boko-Haram, GEJ, EFCC, Salty Food, Pressure from work, Economy, Subsidy Removal, Missing Remote Control (hide it if you can). Something must get her upset to start an early Xmas quarrel.

So babes, watch out ooo! LOL


Wish you the best of the week. You guys take care.


Ciao!



*****Image Source - google.com*****

Friday, 25 November 2011

What is it with incest these days?

Mehn!!! Its everywhere! Father sleeping with daughter, brother sleeping with sister, uncle raping niece, mother sleeping with son!!!!

End times surely. Maybe it isnt just starting to happen. Maybe its been happening so much before now, maybe its the different information channels we have now that is blowing these incidences. But still, truth is, IT IS SO ABSURD AND WICKED!!!

I have close friends who have had very close encounters when they were much younger. The didnt say anything at all at the time till they were really grown up. Maybe thats the thing, those days, noone said a thing. Now, people are more aware and children speak up more (or rather, are forced to speak up).

I keep asking, how can one be sexually attracted to someone one gave birth to??????

Really beats me. God help us







This man, Phillip Micheal, a driver by profession has been jailed for 14 years for sleeping with his 12 year old daughter and getting her pregnant! Yeah, u heard right, 12 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER!!!

She has been delivered of a baby boy fathered by the very man who gave her life. So now, the man is the grand father of his son and the little girl is the mother of her brother. Strange life, very strange life. SMH

Who killed the man?

To give you a bit of something to rack ur brain about while i run go, i dey come back. lol


A man was found dead murdered in Abuja on 1/10/2011 afternoon...His wife called the police, the police questioned everyone in the house hold thus:

WIFE: I was sleeping, woke up and found my husband dead.
NEIGHBOUR: We went for a picnic.
DRIVER: I went to deposit money in the bank.
COOK: I went to the market.
GATE-MAN: I went for my relatives marriage.

......and the police arrested the murderer immediately, WHO WAS IT?
 
Make una no fall my hand ooo!


Ciao!
 

Thursday, 24 November 2011

Grammer isnt easy!

You think say you sabi speak English language abi? You smile with inner pride at your command of the language?
Ok, You try and beat this from one of Naija's most 'grammatical' men

Enjoy




Normal : people who leave in glass houses should not throw stones. 
Chris okotie : individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting perilous projectiles.

Normal : All that glitters is not gold. 
Chris okotie : All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.

Normal : birds of the same feather flock together.
Chris okotie : members of an avian specie of identical plumage tend to congregate.

Normal : cleanliness is next to godliness. 
Chris okotie : freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguos to rectitude.

Normal : there is no use crying over split milk.
Chris okotie : it is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately departed lacteal fluid.

Normal : u can't try to teach an old dog new tricks.
Chris okotie : its fruitless to attempt to indocrinate a superanuated canine wit innovative manoeuvres.

Normal : where there is fire there is smoke.
Chris okotie : where there are visible vapours having their provenance in ignited carbonaceous material there is conflagration.

Normal : All work and no play make jack a dull boy.
Chris okotie : exclusive dedication to necessitous chore without interludes of Hendonistic diversion renders jack a hebenditous fellow.


You go figure!!!



*****image source-google.com*****

Proud to be a Nigerian!


 Phillip Emegwali - The 'unsung' hero of the internet
Chinua Achebe - World recognized novelist and critic
Seal - 2 time grammy award winning vocalist and songwriter
Wole Soyinka - Africa's most distingued playwright
Agbani Derego - 1st black african to be crowned Miss World
.
.
.
.
.
The list goes on and on

I believe that Nigerians are one the most intelligent people in the world. Thing is most times, we tend not to use our God given talents or we use them for the wrong things. 

Funny thing is, No matter what happens, no matter how we are percieved outside this country, I am so so proud to be a Nigerian. 



A short story to start your day.


There were three men living together in London. An Afro-American, a West Indian and a Nigerian. They were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food.

However upon coming close to a posh London restaurant in this classy neighbourhood, they decided to come up with a plan.

The Afro-American went in first. After being seated, he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had... finished the meal, the waiter came by with the bill. "LISTEN MY MAN, I ALREADY PAID YOU!" - the Afro-American shouted! The waiter was very confused because he could not remember being paid. But because he did not want to cause any trouble...he let the brother leave.

Five minutes later, the West Indian walked into the same restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for the food. "HEY, HEY, LOOK AT ME CROSSES. BUT AH PAID YOU ALREADY!" - the West Indian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down the West Indian, because he did not want anything to upset the other customers. He let the guy go.

Ten minutes later, the Nigerian walked in. And you know how we are. He sat down. Lit up a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu, plus two bottles of Guinness. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal, But before the Nigerian could say anything, the waiter spoke to him."Sir...I have been having all sorts of problems all day and I can't understand it. Two other people like you came in earlier and ate, and they say that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them so...." Before he could finish, the Nigerian interrupted, rather emphatically, "OGA I SORRY FOR YOU OOOO. BUT DAT NA YOUR PROBLEM. I JUST WANT YOU TO GIVE ME MY CHANGE!!"..




Yeah, one of those times a Nigerian will use his brain the 'wrong' way (come to think of it, was that 'using the brain the wrong way'? I guess it depends on where you look at it from)

Y'all take care.
Ciao!

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Its my birthday!!!! Yayyyyyyy!!!!


*in Christy Essien Igbokwe's voice* ooohhh yeah, i wish you a happy birthday, ooooo yeah, very many many happy returns........................

*singing in my 'churchyest' voice* Today is the day Amen, The day of the Lord Amen................

I am so excited! As excited as i was on the day of my 5th birthday ( i had a really big bash then) Cant figure out why i am this excited really but i guess being alive and healthy is quite enough to hit the roof!

I really thank God for life, for love, for friends, for family, for health, for God's plans for us - I thank Baba God for EVERYTHING!!!! He is awesome! Has been awesome to me and my family.

I want to share my day with my dear friends of blogsville:
To Che, HoneyDame, Luciano, Toinlicious, Priscy, MyneWhitman, Docia,EyesOfTruth, Oyindamola, the guys who follow Amaka's Notepad and all you guys too numerous, who have made me life on blogville exciting - I offer you all the pretty cake above (since una no dey here to chop the real one). Thank you all and HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!



*****Image source-google.com*****

Monday, 21 November 2011

Hey there, Guys!


Wow! Its been AGES!(10 days actually but it feels like forever)
I have had you guys in mind all this time but like an ibo proverb says 'my mind got to you but my legs couldnt'. (or my fingers, in this case. lol)
Anyway, i know you know that whatever will take me away for this long has really got to be something. I have been so so so so so busy! Busier than i want to be but what can i do. *sad face*

How have you all being?

Just a quick info incase you missed the news on CNN and NTA network last night, Tomorrow is my birthday!!!!

And yes, the line is open for the reciept of gift items. ALL KINDS of gift items o!

Gotta go now but will definetely hook up with y'all later.

Missed you guys. Hope you missed me too.

Enjoy your week and may your days be blessed.

Ciao!




*****Image source - google.com*****

Friday, 11 November 2011

Howdy?

This week, though only for 3 working days, have felt like 7 working days in all! Thank God it is over.
I just saw this piece somewhere i thought to share (cos i've missed you guys)
The lessons are mine though.
Enjoy!
Free Fridge

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free fridge, You want it you take it".

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal, looks to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it. 
Lesson - Before people value what you have to offer, you have to place a value on it! lol


Retail Experience

Rossi was the manager of an upscale men's wear store in a wealthy section of town and was interviewing Abe for the recently advertised salesman role.

Rossi looks at Abe's resume and notices that Abe has never worked in retail before.

Rossi says to Abe, "Abe, if you don't mind me saying. For someone with no retail experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary."

"Well I suppose I am," Abe replies, "but you must understand that the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing." 
Lesson-There are still dumb people out there! lol


Letter to Company

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.

Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.

"Well, what do you think?" his wife asked smiling.

"Next time," he replied. "I'm writing to General Motors!" 
Lesson-Aim high but start small! lol

Translations of Help Wanted Ads

Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.

Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.

Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.

Fast learner: You will get no training from us.

Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.

Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing.

Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.

Management training position: You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory.

Much client contact: You handle the phone or make "cold calls" on clients.

Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.

Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.

Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.

Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.

Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.

Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.
 
Lovely weekend y'all

Friday, 4 November 2011

Ghost Workers



It is friday! (you know how i feel about this day of the week dont u?) To add icing to the already sweet cake, monday and tuesday has been declared public holidays as well (to mark the sallah celebrations) I love Nigerians when it comes to public holidays, honestly. We dont joke with them!

Anyway, i am glad about it cos i am hoping to get a much deserved rest (i honestly hope i do) cos the past few weeks have been HECTIC (note the capital letters) Work has been back breaking but i still thank God.

A headline in the papers today caught my attention and i almost burst into laughter. I am here breaking my back, racking my brain, milking my intelligence to make a living while someone is just chopping money anyhow using 'ghost workers'.
The name of a 1 month old baby has been discovered on the payroll of the Zamfara state Government. The state commisioner for justice Garba Gajam said on Thursday that the name of the infant was recently found on the payment voucher of a Local Government in the state during an exercise to fish out ghost employees from a bloated work force.
He said he discovered that a 1 month old baby was among the employees of the local government area who is paid a salary. What is even more astonishing is that it was indicated in the payroll that the infant holds an Ordinary National Diploma! (OND)

Na today??? E don tey, abeg. Ghost workers dey everywhere so i dey wonder why they dey sound surprised. Very soon, they will set up a committee to look into the issue of 'ghost workers' and the committee might even be made up of 'ghost members'. lol Anything that bring money in, abi?
Anyway, i am zapping out now. Wish i could have a 'ghost worker' cartel and list names of my unborn babies to collect all their salaries. Well, i cant so make i go rest this weary body now.

See you guys. Take proper care of ya selves!

Ciao!!!



*****Image source-google.com*****

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Aso Ebi Palaver



When i was growing, i was made to believe that the tradition of people wearing uniform clothes (aso ebi) was for the yourbas. Then, in my place, the only time a family wore the same clothes was when someone died. The uniform showed that the wearers were members of the deceased's family. Gradually, families started wearing uniform clothes for weddings (both traditionals and white) as well. Then extended families joined in, then close friends, then not-so-close friends. Then other parties joined in, even birthday parties.

These days anyone can wear aso ebi to a party. it doesnt matter who it is. I knew a girl in school who made it a point of duty to buy, sew and wear any aso ebi and even attend the event no matter where it was. cos she thought being on the aso ebi train was the fastest way to get noticed by a guy (potential boyfriend). Cant say her marketing paid off cos she was still very very single (boyfriend and husband wise) when we graduated.

Thing is, i dont even like wearing same kind of clothes with people. I have never liked it. As a child, when my mum makes same clothes for my cousins and i and made us wear it on the same day,once we get to wherever we were going, i will get missing from the pack. This was in a bid not be seen wearing 'uniform' with them. I will try to be as far away from them as possible to try to hide the act that we were wearing the same cloth.

Learnt that these days,its a money making avenue for the bride. She buys the clothes, then sells them at a little above cost price and people buying do so as a form of contribution towards  the wedding. Well, sounds good sha. Cant remember if i have ever worn aso ebi for any event before. And i didnt even bother to saddle anyone with the obligation of buying mine so i didnt have asoebi for my wedding. My contribution for people's weddings usually comes in form of my attendance and my nicely wrapped gift (or envelope as the case may be)

Now, some people are just taking it too far. How can u be wedding and expect your friends to buy aso ebi that cost 50 thousand naira! Yes, 50K. Isnt that a little too extreme. I just got that brief and i am pretending not to have heard that. 50thousand???? So wait, na me wan do the wedding for u? Abi u wan collect the money for the food wey i go chop that day from my hand? For this austerity time? I will sit down in my house, thank u very much.

How has your week being going. Its mid week already and there are 2 lovely days of public holiday just right ahead. Talk about silver lining on a dark cloud. Cant wait

Ciao!